A Pledge to Yourself.
When we are restructuring our lives after a serious loss, we often find ourselves sitting alone wondering what to do next. Emotional pain coupled with free time often makes basic life choices difficult Should I go take a nap? Or have something to eat? Should I return a phone call? The simplest functions become mind-boggling choices. But there is a way out of the fog. It begins with a promise.
When we are restructuring our lives after a serious loss, we often find ourselves sitting alone wondering what to do next. Emotional pain coupled with free time often makes basic life choices difficult.
Should I go take a nap? Or have something to eat? Should I return a phone call?
The simplest functions become mind-boggling choices. But there is a way out of the fog. It begins with a promise.
I, (insert your name here) am committed to creating a new life for myself.
At some point in your grief (and it doesn't matter if you are mourning a deceased loved one, career, opportunity or relationship) you must make the choice to be active in your own rebirth.
You are allowed to make this choice in your own due time. But after counseling thousands of bereaved persons over the years, I can whisper a hint to you: The sooner you choose, the better.
I'm going to suggest six areas of your life to assess, sort of like a "Create a New Life" worksheet. These are questions to ask yourself as a starting point for deciding what you want to create.
I'd love for you to do this exercise twice. Imagine that you are two separate beings. One of you is all the emotion and feeling. I'm sure you are well acquainted with this part of you; it usually swallows you whole during loss. I also want you to imagine a second you, a version that is simply observing your life. The observer is not labeling or judging what it sees, it is only going to report to you what it observes. The observer may help you see where you are avoiding reality.
Health: Am I making my health a top priority? Is my body strong and flexible? Do I need to schedule a health check up? Do the foods I choose support my well being?
Emotions: Am I free to express myself honestly? Do I honor my grief or do I try to hide it? Am I avoiding reality with diversions such as the internet, alcohol or unnecessary drugs?
Spirituality/Faith: Do I believe in a higher power? Have I explored other points of view? Have I cultivated compassion for others experiencing grief or suffering?
Relationships: Have I backed away from friends and isolated myself? Do I fear making new connections because they may result in further loss? Do I have friends that allow me to fully express my grief and offer me patience?
Intelligence: Am I reading uplifting books? Have I taken any classes to learn more about a hobby or interest? Have I traveled to experience the world rather than simply taking a vacation?
Fun: Have I retained my sense of humor during the loss? Do I feel guilty when I laugh and have fun?
Write down a few things in each area you'd like to try. Perhaps you'll promise yourself to walk 30 minutes, 3 times a week. Maybe you'll devote yourself to a painting class. Maybe you'll call a friend or two and pledge to have lunch with them.
Committing yourself to recreating your life is a sacred vow, the holiest of promises to honor the gifts you've been given and have yet to receive. It is a continual choice, and sometimes a hard one, to wake up each and every day and make a conscious decision to move toward healing.
Not choosing is also a choice. You can let the wind blow you wherever it may. You'll discover that it often sets you right back to the same place and presents you with another opportunity to choose. We really cannot escape the lessons life wishes to teach us. They will simply show up through a different person or circumstance until we choose to participate in the lesson.
©Mollie Morning Star 2014 Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
"But Wait! There's More!"
The human condition fascinates me, and nowhere can you get a more interesting perspective on it than from someone who has "lived to tell about it." Naturally, I am talking about the so-called dead. Last week in my readings, many messages seemed to be about working through the things we do "wrong."
"I err, therefore I am." -Augustine of Hippo
The human condition fascinates me, and nowhere can you get a more interesting perspective on it than from someone who has "lived to tell about it." Naturally, I am talking about the so-called dead. Last week in my readings, many messages seemed to be about working through the things we do "wrong." There was a couple who married, divorced, then remarried. A Dad whose addictions spiraled out of control for years until they caused the end of his life. Someone who yelled at her children too much. Another situation where a couple broke up four times in 16 years until they figured it out. A man who lost hope and forced his young family to create a new reality without him after his suicide. Then there were all the things that simply went wrong for people....through no fault of their own: cancer, heart attacks, encephalitis, accidents. You name it, it all happened to people in their 30s and 40s.
One thing I've learned is that almost nothing ever turns out as we plan. Life is a constant pattern of setting expectations and then...something else happens. It's like falling asleep on the sofa and waking up to a terrifying, too loud, late-night infomercial on the TV: "BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!" Truth is, how we respond these situations shapes our present moment. Sometimes in our shock we just react, which can create even bigger challenges for us to deal with down the road.
I always offer myself as the example, and I have proudly amassed thousands of situations that didn't turn out as I planned.
Presently, I'm sitting in my dining room gazing at a nearly finished painting on my easel, as I type away. I hear the clanging of a basketball hitting the backboard at the schoolyard nearby and the birds singing in the garden. All of the windows are open, letting in a cool, Wisconsin breeze. My house is quiet. And clean. There's an empty bowl that was filled with fresh-from-the-garden raspberries laced with cognac. It's definitely peaceful here. I would be hard-pressed to find something to complain about. All is well.
Yet, I can promise you, this reality looks absolutely nothing like the one I had planned for myself many years ago.
When I was 19, I left life as I knew it behind and moved to Boone, North Carolina. I was accepted at Appalachian State University, and I had an apartment, a job and a car. I was well on my way to what I believed would be an ideal life as a successful interior designer: happily married (I imagined) to a man who looked like he'd stepped right out of a LensCrafters® ad, with our five perfect children gazing up at us adoringly. But something unexpected happened; I discovered I was pregnant.
I wish I could forget the conversation I had when I called the man I was dating to tell him the news. It was a "BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!" moment.
"I don't love you, I never did. I don't even like you. I'll have nothing to do with this." he said.
I packed up and put away my dreams of a degree. I was young enough to still have hope for the ideal husband and the five perfect kids. There was no one to bail me out. No job. No home, no plan. I was in a very bad position. As fate would have it, I made friends with a large family who "adopted" me. They promptly moved their two youngest girls into the sunroom, and gave me a safe place to live for a year. They were right there, supporting me when my son came into this life on a beautiful summer morning, 21 years ago. Not bound by blood, but by love, we are family to each other to this day. That year was one of the best for the lessons I learned about working together in harmony. We were sleeping on top of each other and struggling to make the food stretch. We all laughed, played and engaged in joyful ways I had never experienced in my own family as a young girl. I'll never forget the first time my son laughed; we were canning peaches in a roaringly-hot kitchen that August. It was a perfect moment. Somewhere, I have a picture of it. My baby boy and I were surrounded by love. When he was a few months old, we moved out and I started my first business.
So, back to my present moment. All is well, and it is nothing like that original idea I had for myself. But I did shape this reality with all of the choices I've made along the way. I neither got the degree nor met the LensCrafters® guy. In 21 years, I've had six combined years of "educational" marriages and spent 15 years raising my two beautiful children alone. It has not been easy. I have had to be super, duper flexible and resilient. I have had to be humble, accept help and do hard labor. (I worked on ladders and scaffolding for 16 years!) My life turned upside down again when I suddenly became psychic, ushering in a whole new era for me. Was all the chaos worth it? A million times over, yes! It wasn't anything like I'd planned, but it's been an incredibly meaningful and amazing journey. It's our nature to imagine a life path for ourselves that is comfortable and idyllic. No one would ever schedule the loss of child, end of a marriage or a terminal illness if they were given the option. The messages given in readings always point me back to an eternal truth: life is really about the experience and journey. Being "successful" at it has very little to do with it all turning out to look like a glossy, airbrushed, family photo of shining, happy people. The human condition makes us terribly interesting...gloriously flawed...wildly imperfect...and incredibly successful at creating valuable experiences from which our Souls can grow.
Now that my children are grown and living on their own, I'm starting again. No matter where you think you may have erred, or even been given a terrible burden to bear, you can always recreate your life in a positive, fulfilling way. As my stepmother taught me, once you remove the judgment and labeling, everything is simply an experience. Whenever I call her crying she says, "Oh, that's wonderful Mollie! Think of the growth." (I've learned to call my bff when I want sympathy.)
Remember to be flexible with your expectations of life because soon enough, the announcer will be saying, "BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!"
©Mollie Morning Star 2014 Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
Where Fate Ends and Creation Begins.
The hot topic: Where Does Fate End and Creation Begin?
As I see it, there are situations in life, horrible occurrences like the death of a child, that I will never be able to comprehend. At times, I have to surrender to the knowledge that some things are fated to happen. There is a higher divine order that I do not fully understand. At the same time, I believe fervently that we are the creators of our lives. We are the artists who apply color and form to the canvas; the authors who write the lines; the directors who choose the actors.
I'm just back from exciting week of events along the west coast of Lake Michigan which ended in Chicago on Friday. The weather was just gorgeous, so I decided to spend a few hours at the Chicago Botanic Garden photographing flowers to use for my Facebook inspirations. I make it a point to seek out Botanic Gardens anywhere I travel and this is one of the best I have had the pleasure of visiting. The rose garden is superb; the air so thick with heady perfume you can almost see it floating by in wafts of brilliant color. Yes, it's THAT amazing. Practically psychedelic.
After a long week of travel and readings I was thankful to find a quiet, shady space, tucked away in one of the formal gardens. It gave me a moment to sit, savor my surroundings and meditate before that evening's event. The place was perfect, but in spite of the peace that surrounded me, I couldn't empty my mind in that moment. I kept thinking about conversations I'd had over the past few weeks with other intuitives.
The hot topic: Where Does Fate End and Creation Begin?
As I see it, there are situations in life, horrible occurrences like the death of a child, that I will never be able to comprehend. At times, I have to surrender to the knowledge that some things are fated to happen. There is a higher divine order that I do not fully understand. At the same time, I believe fervently that we are the creators of our lives. We are the artists who apply color and form to the canvas; the authors who write the lines; the directors who choose the actors.
The Circle Garden at Chicago Botanic Garden. July 2014
I looked around me and saw nothing but order and symmetry; a picture of complete balance. I noticed the perfect positioning of an ivy arch which formed a striking frame around the water fountain in the adjoining garden. Each space lead logically to the next. The flowers themselves were layered and arranged for size and color play. The juxtaposition of bright, purple cosmos and a vibrant yellow lily allowed each to give the other added luminosity. Everything seemed to have been planted next to its neighbor with extreme thought and care.
"It's a completely magnificent example of what we are capable of creating," I thought.
Nature in its raw form is incredible, too. I can still visualize the snow-capped mountains and green lakes I saw in Boulder, Colorado this April. In my mind's eye I can see the wild grape vines, fields of phlox, and dank woods I speed by on the bike trail near my home in Wisconsin. And my favorite: the glowing blue water of the Caribbean...yes, the Universe does glorious work with its natural habitats.
Yet, there is just something about a formal garden that tells me to stop resting on my ideas and make things happen.
As we all know, it's hard work creating a balanced, gorgeous garden of a life. You have to first clear the land of old debris--and those bulldozer lessons are painful! Then you have to construct a plan, which begs the question: what is possible for this space, for this life of fertile soil? And, how limiting is our thinking? Onto sourcing, planting and above all else nurturing our creation. We have to accept the seasons, and find the beauty in a snow-covered garden, in the dead of winter, where nothing seems to be happening.
We are the gardeners. We plant what we eventually harvest. Every thought you think contributes to your reality. You have to perform hard labor, nurture relationships and be constantly willing to change. You have to be clear about what you want and vulnerable enough to voice it. Yet we are not alone in our quest for a beautiful life. The unseen world around us is here to help, and the message they are sending is, "Be a powerful creator!"
Don't hand over control of your life, dreams and hopes to anyone, including "fate." You have the power to grow the life you dream of having.
Get inspired. Immerse yourself in some heavenly creations, cultivated by humankind. Take the lesson from a garden, and cultivate a life of deep meaning for yourself. No one else can plant what you want in the deepest parts of your soul--no one else can even imagine it. Beauty longs to grow up around you, to enfold you with perfumed petals and giant blooms. But first, you must till the soil.
©Mollie Morning Star 2014 Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
It Can Happen to You.
I admit: my job has taken a toll on my level of tolerance for going to bed angry; screaming about the messes that have been made; delaying apologies, even if I wasn't wrong. These days I'm owning my stuff, all of it, every situation I created. I can't let you leave without saying, "I love you." anymore. Yes, I want one more hug, maybe two. Yes, I cry when you turn the corner and are out of sight. I can no longer tolerate stuffing my feelings. No, I can't sit back and be an observer anymore. All of these are occupational hazards. Every single day, I consult with person after person who is trying to cope with the worst day of his or her life.
I admit: my job has taken a toll on my level of tolerance for going to bed angry; screaming about the messes that have been made; delaying apologies, even if I wasn't wrong. These days I'm owning my stuff, all of it, every situation I created. I can't let you leave without saying, "I love you." anymore. Yes, I want one more hug, maybe two. Yes, I cry when you turn the corner and are out of sight. I can no longer tolerate stuffing my feelings. No, I can't sit back and be an observer anymore. All of these are occupational hazards. Every single day, I consult with person after person who is trying to cope with the worst day of his or her life. I always think I've heard it all when it comes to tragic ways to die, and as it turns out, I haven't. The stories just keep coming.
These are the side effects of realizing truly, deeply and even sadly, that tomorrow is not guaranteed. Tragedy isn't confined to a social class, a country, good people or bad people. There is no way to delineate who is next. Cancer doesn't love a certain skin color. Accidents don't care if you just had a world class fight with your spouse. Heart attacks really don't mind that you were going to retire next month. Aneurysms happen to healthy 8-year-olds. And 16-year-olds. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
The real tragedy in all of this is not so much that the people I work with don't see this, because they are LIVING it, but the average guy on the street thinks, "Oh, that poor family." He doesn't really get that he might be the next man on his knees banging his head on the floor trying to feel reality because his mind just can't process what he just heard over the phone. Yes, that's actually what happens when you get the call that your child was found dead. You pound your head on hard surfaces to see if a reality still exists.
I know this may not be an uplifting read for you, but it is something that gnaws away at me daily. I am impassioned about living today fully, and this is why. On a recent road trip with a girlfriend, I finally let all of this out to her and confessed I wish I could write about it. "Do it! You need to," she said.
Ladies and Gentleman, life owes you nothing. Somehow your Soul managed to get inside of a body to have this experience on Earth and however many days, years or decades you get to wear it is a gift. Does this not stir within you a deep, abiding desire to live fully today? It really should. No matter what you've lost up to this point, you are still here, simply by virtue that you are reading this, and still capable of creating love today.
Do you owe it to your loved one who died to live fully today? That sounds noble doesn't it? Honestly, you owe it to yourself. You are still breathing and you still have a chance to do something today.
What you choose to create is completely up to you. Of course there will always be excuses and circumstances which prevent you from doing what you really want. You may always cling to the excuse that what you really want is to return to the past. I like excuses, too. I'd avoid every problem possible if they didn't constantly smack me in the face. Excuses are the walls that separate you from healing and getting on with the business of living.
Let's simplify this just a little: no excuses. No buts. Shed the anger. Lose the regret. Instead, ask yourself one simple, but life-changing question: Where can you create love today?
Interested in having a personal connection to your loved ones in Spirit though Mollie? Click here for information on booking a private session.
©Mollie Morning Star 2014 Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
Cultivating Love.
Think for a moment about your best friend and all the reasons you cherish him or her. Now, imagine that person suffering. What would you do to alleviate their pain? Pretty much anything in your power, right? What about your neighbor? To what lengths would you be willing to go to alleviate their suffering? How about a complete stranger? What action would you take on their behalf? And finally, think of a person who has harmed you: are you willing to help them discover happiness?
Think for a moment about your best friend and all the reasons you cherish him or her. Now, imagine that person suffering. What would you do to alleviate their pain? Pretty much anything in your power, right? What about your neighbor? To what lengths would you be willing to go to alleviate their suffering? How about a complete stranger? What action would you take on their behalf? And finally, think of a person who has harmed you: are you willing to help them discover happiness?
These questions are the opening to the practice of cultivating love. I must stress that I'm calling this a practice because that is exactly what it is. Just like an athlete doesn't win an Olympic gold medal the first time they attempt the high jump, you aren't going to wake up enlightened tomorrow after reading this article. Like any strength, you have to dedicate yourself to the practice of loving, and sometimes it is really difficult.
I began this practice back in 2006 when I bought the book, "How to Expand Love," by the Dalai Lama. After a divorce in 2005 that left my faith in love shaken, I thought this book was going to be a self-help tool for my personal recovery. I was terribly disappointed to find it was mostly about meditation. At the time, I wasn't a big fan of sitting still and thinking about nothing. (I just actually laughed out loud as I typed this, because for many years now, my daily routine involves at least 45 cherished minutes of meditation time.) Right now, you are probably thinking what I thought back then: "How will meditating on love help me deal with loss?" The simple truth is that it builds your courage, determination and compassion.
You are already really good at loving your friends, and probably your neighbor, too so I'd like to focus on cultivating love for those who are suffering and those who have harmed or taken advantage of you. By focusing your efforts on a more challenging task, you'll see greater results. This is a practice, one you'll have to commit to daily, while also forgiving yourself when you suffer from the human condition. (Which is 100% of the time.)
One of the best places to start developing compassion for those who suffer, is from the place of your own suffering. Do whatever you must to get comfortable and quiet, then meditate for five minutes. Write this thought down on a piece of paper and hold in your hands (and heart) as you meditate on it:
"(This person/group) is suffering terribly and I understand the way it affects their well-being, health, relationships and stability. My own adversity acts as a substitute for their pain. I know they wish to feel happiness and a sense of belonging, as I do. I wish for them a complete release of suffering and all that it causes, and I commit being a source of help and happiness for them. I will increase my ability to love for their sake."
The same meditation applies for those who have harmed you. Before you allow anger to creep up on you and take over, try viewing them as a human being, suffering from the human condition, knowing they, like you, wish to be happy. Yes, this is incredibly difficult. However, the payoff is all for you. If you keep practicing this you will, over time, find yourself less reactive to situations and people. You will find courage to stand in a space of loving firmness when someone takes advantage of you. And most importantly, you will develop an all-pervasive sense of compassion for every sentient being.
This practice has helped me let go of difficult people and situations much faster than I otherwise would have. Instead of holding on to the pain, or imagining the ways you are going to avenge wrongdoing, imagine looking upon the person who has hurt you and having the thought: "Oh, there she/he is, being human again."
Meditation is a time and space you create to rewire thought patterns. As you cultivate love for others, you are increasing the joy, peace and happiness in your own life.
Have you ever given yourself the hug test?
The next time you find yourself in an embrace with anyone, notice where your intention is. Are you giving them your love? Or are you receiving it? Of course, it's possible to do both, but you might be surprised if you actually pay attention next time. Love must be nourished, cultivated daily and whether or not we are subconsciously giving can help us see where we might want change to create more love around us.
©Mollie Morning Star 2014 Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
Clean. Clear. Complete.
A few weeks ago I was enjoying a backyard BBQ with a group of close friends who are planning a cross-country move in the near future. One of the hardest aspects of moving is dealing with all the STUFF we accumulate. You know: the basement, the attic, the garage, the junk drawer. As we discussed what to do about their grown children's belongings that remain stashed away I said, "Memories belong in your head, not the basement." True, true...I suppose that fresh Wisconsin air was inspiring me.
A few weeks ago I was enjoying a backyard BBQ with a group of close friends who are planning a cross-country move in the near future. One of the hardest aspects of moving is dealing with all the STUFF we accumulate. You know: the basement, the attic, the garage, the junk drawer. As we discussed what to do about their grown children's belongings that remain stashed away I said, "Memories belong in your head, not the basement." True, true...I suppose that fresh Wisconsin air was inspiring me.
At the Winter Solstice on December 21, 2013, I set a goal to "Lighten up!" by the Summer Solstice that just occurred this week. For me, lightening up meant I wanted to reduce the "stuff" in my home by 30%, let go of old habits, and attend to any business that may be lingering around, unfinished.
I've made amazing progress, one step at a time. I saved the bigger areas, like the basement, for a day off. But I made a few hours several times a week to tackle something: a closet, a shelf, some drawers. The trick is to just stick with it. Once I completed the purging, I went back and did it again. There are always those things that one just cannot part with for some reason. I had a cashmere sweater in my closet for several years that I wore on one of the worst days of my life. Countless times I picked it up, put it on, and felt funny, and I changed out of it. I never wore it again, but it was a perfectly good cashmere sweater, and now sentimental, too. Out the door it went during Round Two! When tackling a goal like this yourself, as you look around your home, remember that everything holds energy and affects your mood. Do you have photos of your loved ones displayed from their very best days? Look around at everything, does it hold a good memory or a negative one?
Once I finished cleaning and clearing, I burned ceremonial sage throughout the house to clear the energy, too.
In my work as a medium I have seen countless families ripped apart by the "stuff." I remember so clearly a reading I did years ago where the patriarch of the family had passed and he communicated, "All my life I worked so hard to build stability for my family, and since I've passed, everything I worked for has only ripped them apart." Remember; everything that is truly important goes with you to the afterlife.
Clearing out a family home after a passing, especially a child's room, is a huge challenge. Everything becomes sentimental, right down to the dirty socks. There is definitely no right or wrong way to do it. It's all about whatever works for you. Certain spaces become sacred to us after a passing, and it's vital that we allow ourselves the process we need to move through our grief.
Completing the task means taking care of all the outlying, unfinished business. This is often the INWARD aspect of an OUTWARD process. The house is clean, the closets are nearly empty and organized...what else do you need to complete? Small things around the house are omnipresent for any homeowner; but let's think a little deeper. Do you need to return borrowed items? Have you meant to share a belonging or gift with someone? Is there any outstanding paperwork dragging you down? Is there a person with whom you've had regrettable words and need to reconnect? Just pause for a few minutes and think about things that really need to be completed to make you feel whole, free and ready to move forward.
Cleaning up the space of someone you love after a loss is an incredibly hard job to tackle. Just keep reminding yourself...the most important "things" are not things at all.
©Mollie Morning Star 2014 Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.