How To (Thoughtfully) Announce a Loved Ones Death on Social Media
Do you have a version this story?
I’ll never forget the morning I was waiting for a doctor’s appointment and I made the mistake of pulling out my iPhone to pass the time. Mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed, the first thing that appeared was a photo of an old but dear friend that only stated “RIP.”
WHAT?! Oh my God! I felt like I had been punched in the gut, and the tears were instantaneous. A nurse at the lobby door was calling out my name repeatedly. I couldn’t respond.
Let’s face it, most us are not sitting down, emotionally ready to hear heart-breaking news when we are scrolling through social media posts. It’s a problem not only because we are shocked. We may also be wondering what happened and/or why we weren’t notified in a manner that respects our loving/long standing relationship with the deceased.
Do you have a version this story?
I’ll never forget the morning I was waiting for a doctor’s appointment and I made the mistake of pulling out my iPhone to pass the time. Mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed, the first thing that appeared was a photo of an old but dear friend that only stated “RIP.”
WHAT?! Oh my God! I felt like I had been punched in the gut, and the tears were instantaneous. A nurse at the lobby door was calling out my name repeatedly. I couldn’t respond.
Let’s face it, most us are not sitting down, emotionally ready to hear heart-breaking news when we are scrolling through social media posts. It’s a problem not only because we are shocked. We may also be wondering what happened and/or why we weren’t notified in a manner that respects our loving/long standing relationship with the deceased.
The morning my father died, I tried to call my children to inform them personally, but social media beat me to it.
I’ve met with countless clients traumatized by similar stories of friends or distant relatives sharing “RIP” posts about their spouse, child or parents before they were able to.
This article by Taya Dunn Johnson really highlights the undue stress and confusion caused by a social media post of her husband’s passing within an hour of his death. Article: Please read this before you post another RIP on social media. The Hierarchy of Grief she discusses in the article are the words I’ve been looking for!
Let’s say you have learned of a loved one’s passing. You are upset. You need comfort. You are overwhelmed about what to do next.
The first thing you need to do is stop. As in, STOP.
Do not reach for the keyboard.
Your very first consideration before sharing a death announcement needs to be, “Is this my news to share?”
The questions below will help you know if this is your news to share:
-Did your spouse die? Yes, you can begin the task of creating an online announcement.
-Did your parent die? Yes. You may now coordinate with any siblings to create a death announcement.
-Did your child die? Yes. You should now coordinate with the child’s other parent/spouse a fitting way to share this heart-breaking news.
-Did your cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, any type of in-law or coworker pass? No. This is not your news to share. You must wait for the closest people to the deceased to be informed personally and then wait again until they post the announcement on social media. Sharing an online obituary is a respectful way to relay sad news, but be sure to mention who the person is to you. (Your mother, aunt, friend, etc…)
It’s important to wait an appropriate amount of time for the closest loved ones to be notified personally, in most cases, a few days.
Let’s move on to creating a fitting announcement. Feel free to use any of my words or quotes to create your own post if needed.
First, you will want to soften the blow a bit. Shock value on social media is tasteless and disrespectful. You are about to disseminate news that will possibly hurt people, some of whom may be waiting for doctor’s appointments, getting ready for an important interview, or sitting at their child’s soccer game. Give them a moment to prepare for the news by opening with a line like one of these:
“It is with a very heavy heart that I must share our family has lost a dear relative.”
“With great sadness, my brother John and I are announcing that our beloved father passed away last week.”
Second, inform your social media followers who the deceased is to you. Social media has become a place where we make friends with folks we’ve never met in-person and stay in touch with people we haven’t seen in years. You cannot simply state, “Mike passed away last night.” to a mixed crowd. Who’s Mike? Your dog? Your boyfriend? Next door neighbor? Be clear.
“Michael was my first husband, and importantly, the father of my children.”
“Michael was my long-time friend from grade school.”
“Michael was my cousin, with whom I shared a brotherly relationship.”
Thirdly, give information about the passing if it is appropriate. Again, the news will be a terrible shock to many people, and the first thing they will want to know is what happened?
“He has been a true warrior in the fight against cancer and has inspired us all with his unwavering faith.”
“He passed surrounded by his loving family after suffering a stroke last month.”
“He passed unexpectedly as a result of injuries sustained during a ____ accident.
“His battle with addiction has ended and he is free from an insurmountable and often misunderstood illness.”
Please also see my blog article on, “Is Sharing the Truth About a Loved One’s Death Important?”
Fourth, include a cherished memory or personality trait of the person to help encourage others to post their memories, too. Sharing sorrows and stories as a group provides much comfort and healing at times of great loss.
“Michael was famous for his apple pies. He somehow managed to take a basic dessert and make it the most unforgettable part of the meal. I will forever miss his pies at Thanksgiving!”
Lastly, provide relevant details about funeral arrangements, memorial funds or where condolences can be sent.
“In lieu of flowers, we are asking that donations be made to your local animal shelter in Michael’s name. We know he would love nothing more than to help a homeless animal as his last act of kindness.”
“If you would like to send your condolences to Michael’s family, please private message me for the address.” (Please use careful judgement when posting information online that could be used in identity theft cases.)
I personally think sharing a photo is a wonderful way to honor a loved one, but make sure you are being considerate. Share a photo that shows the person at their best or ask for permission from the closest family member.
Posting death notices on social media is a relatively new way to quickly spread information. We are still learning. For all of its convenience, it still needs to be handled with great care and thoughtfulness to honor the wishes of the deceased and in consideration of those who are closest to them.
We invite you to learn more about booking a personal session with Mollie that has the potential to ease your grieving significantly.
©Mollie Morning Star 2021 | All Rights Reserved | Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
Making Room for Reality
This week, millions of families all across America will be sitting down to share a meal with people they cherish. At nearly every table there will be turkey, pumpkin pie and a side dish of sadness. Almost every home will be missing something, or rather, someone.
I think of my own brother, on this 23rd Thanksgiving without him. I think of the hundreds of families I have worked with this year. The family who lost their brother to a heart attack, and then had their living brother diagnosed with cancer. I think of the family who lost their precious four-year old…
This week, millions of families all across America will be sitting down to share a meal with people they cherish. At nearly every table there will be turkey, pumpkin pie and a side dish of sadness. Almost every home will be missing something, or rather, someone.
I think of my own brother, on this 23rd Thanksgiving without him. I think of the hundreds of families I have worked with this year. The family who lost their brother to a heart attack, and then had their living brother diagnosed with cancer. I think of the family who lost their precious four-year old daughter to illness. I think of the parents whose son was murdered by his friend. I think of my young friend who had a brain tumor removed on Tuesday. With all these sad occurrences, I don’t know how any of us can even find the appetite to eat. It seems a harsh reality when your happiness has been so challenged.
As the years go by and we grow older, our lives become richer in meaningful experiences that encompass the entirety of our lives: joy and loss.
Some of us at the Thanksgiving table may have suffered terrible losses in the past year. How can we find room for thanks in our hearts? Others of us may be seated alongside someone who’s grieving and not know how to act.
What can we do? We can draw support from each other by looking for hope in those around us.
One of life’s greatest hope-givers is the innocence of young children who can still experience unbridled joy without realizing that what goes up, must come down. One day this summer I was sitting in my dining room working on my computer when I heard the familiar voice of the little girl who lives down the street wafting in through the open windows. “Hi Mollie! Hi Mollie!” she called out. As I looked up, I saw her cruising by my house on her bike. Dear Charlotte yelled hello to me every time she passed my house, whether there was any chance of me hearing her or not. Trust me, when I did hear her, my heart overflowed.
Children hold so much space for connection, and we need to truly appreciate that when life seems bleak. They forgive quickly and ask for love when they need it. Why don’t we? We hold onto past grievances like trophies and quietly wish that someone will notice our loneliness.
As we face the realities of life, including tremendous losses, we need to remember that it is possible to hold space for both joy and sadness. They can share the same table, and in an authentic world, they always would.
Holding space for sadness at the holidays doesn’t come naturally to everyone. But it is a loving choice you can make to show compassion and empathy for those you care about.
When you hold space for reality, you meet people where they are, rather than asking them to change for you.
On holidays when I am sad or grieving, I try always to remember this: What a gift it is to have time in the company of people I care for. This is the thought I try to hold on to. Being around children especially helps me appreciate that gift.
For those of us who haven’t suffered loss, and who have lots to be thankful for this year:
-Let the newly bereaved cry without making them feel like they need to leave the room. They are grateful today, too, and have counted every blessing hundreds of times. But their hearts are crushed.
-You don’t need to fix anything or cheer anyone up. The death of a beloved spouse, or a parent, or a child cannot be fixed. Connection is more valuable than cheerfulness. Meeting people where they are means connecting with them so they don’t feel isolated. Try saying something like, “I know this day is so hard without Michael here.”
-And most important: SAY THE NAME of the person who has passed. SAY THEIR NAME. SAY THEIR NAME! There is nothing that comforts the bereaved more than knowing their loved one is remembered on holidays when every family member should be present.
“I remember when Hannah ate the entire can of whipped cream on her pumpkin pie.”
“Theresa loved hosting Thanksgiving so much, it was her favorite holiday.”
“ I wish Paul was with us today.”
Hold space at the holidays for reality, knowing that a meaningful life encompasses both joy and sorrow. Gratefulness is hard to feel during times of deep grief, but making a choice to acknowledge every small blessing is the place to start healing your heart.
Even an avalanche begins with a single snowflake.
Need a little more hope for making it through the holidays? Here’s a list of holiday blogs from years past:
We invite you to learn more about booking a personal session with Mollie that has the potential to ease your grieving significantly.
©Mollie Morning Star 2018 | All Rights Reserved | Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
Your Healing Super Power
Did you know that within you exists a special, yet often underused, tool for healing? It’s just waiting for you to discover it and harness its capacity to help you on your journey to wellness.
Years ago, an older friend said to me, “Time wounds all heels.” It's a tongue-in-cheek play on the phrase “Time heals all wounds,” but it did make me think. As the years roll by, the chance of experiencing a profound loss increases, and as we learn to integrate these losses into our overall life experience, we mature.
Did you know that within you exists a special, yet often underused, tool for healing? It’s just waiting for you to discover it and harness its capacity to help you on your journey to wellness.
Years ago, an older friend said to me, “Time wounds all heels.” It's a tongue-in-cheek play on the phrase “Time heals all wounds,” but it did make me think. As the years roll by, the chance of experiencing a profound loss increases, and as we learn to integrate these losses into our overall life experience, we mature. Emotional gifts like compassion, connection, and empathy are the result of experiencing and living through something horrible.
I would never tell anyone who experiences the loss of a child or partner, “Time heals all wounds.” As if just waiting it out could take away the pain. That's impossible! If you aren’t processing your feelings and exploring your faith during that time, there’s a very good chance that 10 years from now, you’ll be in the same emotional state that you are in now.
Losses—whether they take the form of the passing of a beloved person, a divorce, a job, or your health—give your Soul an opportunity to grow. I get it. A loss isn’t a continuing education class you enrolled in and are eager to learn more. No one signs up for cancer. We don’t get married looking forward to a relationship becoming irretrievably broken. And while the “Bereaved Parents Club” is the group that nobody wants to join, membership can begin in the blink of an eye.
So, what is your hidden power? Patience! When life delivers this very common experience of loss, we can rise to meet it with patience. While time alone won’t heal your wound, you must give yourself all the minutes, days, and years that you need to have the experiences that rebuild strength. The actions we take to integrate the loss into our new lives take an amount of time we yearn to measure. We may ask, "When will the pain stop?" but that measurement is different for everyone.
We first have to come to terms with the idea that what we once knew is now complete. No matter how much we loved or hated what we once had, we have to realize that our world has crumbled, and we have to start at ground zero to rebuild a life around a deep wound.
I have a brave, young friend named Jess who has just given birth to her first child, a beautiful baby girl. Sadly, at the same time, she became a cancer patient, fighting for her life. She has been gracious enough to share her story within a group on Facebook, and I can tell you, the pictures of a bald baby and momma make you pause. Unexpectedly stripped of her health, she is reinventing herself, not only as new mother, but as a new mother with a massive “wound” called cancer. Her illness is forcing her to dig as deep as she can to find the hope and the will to endure whatever happens. She’ll never go back to the emotional place she was in before cancer, but as she marches bravely towards the future, I know she’ll be surrounded by other survivors and by people who love her. They will, in time, help her to integrate inner peace as she navigates uncertainty.
The pain of loss can be so acute that it strips us of our ability to be creative, solve problems, or imagine something new. I have never come across a person who took the time to think over a concrete plan of action for the “what-ifs” that might arise in the course of a lifetime. What if I get cancer or what if my child is killed? Few people truly have a detailed plan for how to navigate and integrate these massive upheavals before they occur. It takes patience to endure the acute pain of a sudden loss as an act of self-compassion. As we journey down our path of healing, we begin to have experiences that spark our faith in a loving power, greater than ourselves. My wish for you is that the spark will reignite a hope to live a meaningful life.
There is a phrase, “Patience is a virtue.” I say it’s a gift. It's a gift that you need to give yourself as you navigate a life that you didn’t plan for. You will need time to explore different ways to heal and discover which ones help you. Each of us will experience loss by at some point, and grief is a totally natural response to loss.
Many people who have had a session with me say that it was the catalyst for their grief to begin to convert to healing. Indeed, there are few things that can compare with the comfort that comes from receiving evidence that the person you love continues to exist in the energetic Soul form. But knowing a Soul lives on in a state of connected well-being is not always enough to navigate the unwelcome changes we have to face.
What if your patience is not enough? You may be experiencing complicated grief in which unresolved and acute grief persists even after time passes. In that case, it's important to seek help from a qualified professional. It may be that because of limitations on health care and insurance, you only have access to a local therapist who doesn’t specialize in complicated grief. It may help to read this informative article that details the experience a bereaved mother had in treating her unrelenting, complicated grief years after her son passed. It profiles the work of M. Katherine Shear, who is the Director of the Complicated Grief Treatment Program at the New York State Psychiatric Institute. There is also an interesting YouTube video with a Q & A with Dr. Shear available here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAEfYSOS8W8.
Whether you’re newly bereaved or struggling though the occasion grief wave, please remember to access that gift that lies within you to be patient. Time alone won’t heal a wound, but time is needed to recognize what issues need resolving, explore your options, and then do the work.
©Mollie Morning Star 2018 Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
When You Can't Stop Asking, "WHY?"
On today's blog I am sharing thoughts from two experts on how to gently handle yourself and move forward when the unanswerable question of "Why did my loved one have to die?"comes up. Author Mark Ireland, Co-Founder of Helping Parents Heal, and Ronnie Susan Walker, Founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors share their knowledge here.
During a recent dinner with my friend Bridget, we had a chance to speak about the conditions surrounding her father's passing. She brought up a topic that had been heavily on my mind for weeks: the big, unanswerable "Why?" question. Her father had been deaf, and near the end of his life also became blind, while dealing with mobility issues. She voiced her sadness over her father's multiple health issues stating that she didn't understand why so many problems occurred for one person. It's a question she'd like answered by the big guy upstairs.
Several years ago I had a bereaved father ask on my Facebook Page "Why would God punish me this way? What did I do?" It's a sentiment I have heard before. As if the death of your child could be a fitting punishment...for anything.
As a medium, it's a question I feel I could never answer to satisfaction. The idea of telling a newly bereaved parent that the reason their child died was for the soul growth of the people who loved him or her is ridiculous. And yet, I have friends that are bereaved parents going on 10 years or longer, and they say this themselves, and it soothes the ache of not knowing a specific reason. It's an acceptance of something bigger than our human comprehension.
I decided to ask two experts for their input on this question, and how to help bereaved people move beyond what is often unanswerable. Author Mark Ireland, who is a bereaved father and co-founder of Helping Parents Heal; and Ronnie Susan Walker, who is the founder of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors both shared thoughts with me that I am posting below.
Dealing with and moving past nagging questions, after the transition of a child.
Parents who experience the passing of a child will invariably wonder why this happened to them. Further, many will dwell on questions about what they could have done to prevent it. “If I’d just done this, or just done that” the inner dialog usually goes. In the case of the latter question there is usually nothing the parent could have done to change things. So the person causes their own suffering by unnecessarily contemplating pointless “what if’s” over and over.
The “why” question is a big one and may never be answered to the satisfaction of most parents but it is possible for such a person to move forward and live a happy productive life if they are willing to shift their thinking. The first requirement is a willingness to be happy rather than believing they must suffer to honor their child. If a person inwardly asks themselves whether their child would want them to be unhappy, the answer “no” is immediately revealed. Next, the parent must be willing to accept that things will never be the same as they were before. They can be happy and even continue to have a relationship with their child in spirit, but things will be different than they were in the past.
Finally, there is the issue of context—the big picture. The reality is that this life is short and we will all physically die at some point. For me this life is but a blip in our extended existence, just one step in the evolution of our soul/spirit. From that standpoint I am able to understand that there may have been reasons why my son left this world more quickly than I would have liked. Perhaps he was an advanced soul, here to teach people how to live, love, and to embrace the most important things. I know that he behaved in this way because of his inner nature and not because of any rulebook. I have grown through the lessons he taught me and have used this wisdom to help others. And I know I will be with Brandon again, but he will most likely be different. He will be more.
What did your child teach you? Are you able to take those things forward to help yourself heal—to serve others and help them heal?
-Mark Ireland, May, 2017
His newsletter archive: http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs095/1102382222447/archive/1102569202494.html
Helping Parents Heal website: www.helpingparentsheal.org
And from Ronnie Susan Walker, Founder and Executive Director of the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors.
Survivors inevitably search for a reason, perhaps because having a reason might restore some small sense of control in a seemingly unpredictable world. Trying to understand "why" can occupy our minds for a long time. Ultimately many realize they may never know.
When survivors talk about their loved ones, it becomes evident that there is no one path or cause for suicide. Each story is unique. Some who take their lives have struggled long and hard with previously diagnosed mental illnesses such as Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, Schizophrenia or Borderline Personality Disorder. Others have never been diagnosed, but in hindsight, had many traits that fit these diagnoses. Some have spoken of suicide at various points in their lives. Others never spoke of suicide or gave any indication of depression. Some suicides appear to be impulsive following a significant disappointment. Others seem more-planned. Many people who take their lives have alcohol or drugs in their system. Others do not. Some leave notes. Others do not.
It appears that each person who dies by suicide has reached a point where they can no longer tolerate their pain and suffering. Most don't intend to leave behind a wake of pain and destruction. They are simply searching for a way out of an unbearable struggle.
Ronnie Susan Walker MS, LCPC
Founder & Executive Director
We invite you to learn more about booking a personal session with Mollie that has the potential to ease your grieving significantly.
©Mollie Morning Star 2017 | All Rights Reserved | Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
Our Loved Ones as Spirits—Not Humans
In the last six weeks I have been inundated with questions from people who are driving themselves crazy, thinking their beloved Souls in Spirit must still be reacting to the bumps and jolts of life like humans do.
Why would that be? They’ve transitioned to a different realm, and believe, me, they’re different themselves.
In the last six weeks I have been inundated with questions from people who are driving themselves crazy, thinking their beloved Souls in Spirit must still be reacting to the bumps and jolts of life like humans do.
Why would that be? They’ve transitioned to a different realm, and believe, me, they’re different themselves.
Let me share some of the situations:
A good friend said about her son who had passed, “Man! I can’t even imagine how he’s stewing about this (family situation) in Spirit!”
A very spiritual friend asked, “Mollie, do you think my brother is upset about _____, who didn’t come to his funeral? I mean, is he deeply offended?”
A question posted on a suicide support website was forwarded to me: “I had a friend who had transgender feelings near the end of his life. Does anyone have experience about what gender that person is in Heaven now?”
A comment from a client, “I’m surprised she didn’t have more to say about all that has happened with her many children since her death.”
And, a really frequent question I get on Facebook, “Is my child growing up in Heaven?”
Whoaaaaaaaaa, Nelly! Let’s slow this crazy-train down a second and get grounded.
A teacher I studied with in England, Simon James, once said, “The Soul is unborn and cannot die.” Among mediums, we often say, “You don’t have a Soul, you ARE a Soul having a human experience.”
A human being is a physical body that is ultimately limited and ruled by the physical world. Someone you love that has died has shed the physical body and the limitations it carried. It’s completely understandable that you still see them as having a body, because that is how you knew them and loved them here. But now they do not—and that is a very good thing.
I took a poll on my Facebook Page asking this question, “Upon death, does the Soul become enlightened?”
Overwhelmingly, people responded yes. In my many years of giving verifiable readings, I can say this conclusion is completely consistent with my experience. I have never connected with a Soul that has indicated anything different.
So my opinion is that yes, when we die we are enlightened as to:
–what our life purpose was,
–how our actions affected others and
–why certain situations developed. We can see their purpose, and we can release our judgments about them.
Is your mom super ticked-off that her daughters fought over her jewelry?
Well, she couldn’t take it with her, so the jewelry wasn’t that important to her in the end. She certainly is aware of the struggle that her daughters have with their attachment to material goods, and she sees that they are learning lessons about that.
Is your brother hurt that someone didn’t show up to his funeral?
Not really. He is now aware of the spiritual struggle that the person who didn’t show up is going through. He is much more likely to have compassion for that person than to be offended.
Is my friend male or female in Heaven?
Male or female is something a body is. Souls are neither. If you were to have a connection with this Soul through a medium, he or she—take your pick—would present him/herself in a way you would recognize. That could be as a male, but perhaps with a softer energy.
Is my child growing up in Heaven?
Without a human body, I doubt that your six-year-old is now six feet tall. What’s much more important is that your child’s soul is still growing. That is true for all of us, on Earth and in Heaven. We are always learning. When you are reunited, you will recognize your child, and that terrible, physical chasm between you will be filled to overflowing with a sacred connection.
When you book a reading with a medium, the intent and purpose of the session is to receive validations that your loved one has survived the change we call death and is still aware of your life. These validations prove the survival of the Soul beyond death of the body.
I sometimes explain what it is like to do a reading like this:
Imagine a very deep swimming pool, with lots of objects down at the bottom. I take a deep breath, jump in and use every bit of energy that I can to gather objects. When I can no longer hold my breath, I surface and we see what we’ve got.
To that end, when I do a reading for a client, I jump into the energy and gather information. It’s always my hope and prayer that the information I am able to gather will serve the purpose of identification and validation.
Here’s what a reading is not: a direct opportunity for your loved one to relay opinions about the choices people make and the goings on here in the physical realm.
There is a world of difference between your loved one being aware of your marital issues and communicating a message for you to pursue a divorce.
While your loved ones are aware of all that goes on, you may or may not receive a specific validation in any reading. And further, you may get totally different validations from different mediums. Everything is dependent on what information the medium can gather in that moment. This may not be at all what you think is the “most important.”
When it comes to teaching bereaved persons about Soul communication, I always try to take a very gentle approach, especially with someone who is already hurting. This, however, is one of those times where only a blunt answer will do.
It is not the place of a deceased person to weigh in on situations with their judgments, as if they are still ruled by physical conditions. They are not. Lucky them! So they are no longer engaged in the fight to keep a human body alive. The survival of the fittest does not apply. Their Soul is free from that confined state, and so is their mind. They understand the bigger picture in ways we do not.
I really hope that this will answer your questions about whether those we love who have died are now at peace. Remember not to impose physical traits on someone who is within the spiritual realm. They see the bigger picture. They communicate with us to show their love and support for you as you continue the sometimes-difficult course of having a human experience.
This blog is dedicated to Jan De Blieu, with loving thoughts of her son, Reid, that passed away eight years ago today. Jan is an author that I met over 20 years ago while living on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. We had sons at the same time, and I helped care for Reid when he was a toddler so Jan could have focused time for writing. All these years and a different life later, Jan is now the editor of my blog. I would be thrilled to have her help in any circumstance, but she also serves another purpose as the filter and voice of a bereaved mother with my work. Jan embarked on a deep soul-mission to search for service opportunities to help soothe her grief and I recommend following her writing on her blog or her Facebook Page.
Reid continues to be a guiding light for us both as we work to help others work through times of grief into the joy of meaningful connection.
We invite you to learn more about booking a personal session with Mollie that has the potential to ease your grieving significantly.
©Mollie Morning Star 2017 | All Rights Reserved | Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.
Bootleggers and Eternal Bonds: Why We Look Backwards
Have you ever wondered why we romanticize the past? Here's how a clogged drain and a deceased bootlegger brought the shady past into the light of the present moment.
At 2:30 p.m. on Dec. 22, I hung up the phone from my last psychic medium reading of the year, full of anticipation and hope.
You see, my basement drains had been backing up onto the floor since August, and I had a plumber set to arrive at 2:45. This would be my fifth attempt to open the drain lines. My Christmas wish was to prepare dinner for my family (using the kitchen sink) and catch up on laundry.
Right on schedule, the plumber arrived. He was affable and oozed Midwestern sensibility. I instantly liked him.
He was talkative, sharing that he had grown up in the small house next door. He told me my house used to be a distillery during Prohibition.
“I had actually heard that rumor from an elderly neighbor 15 years ago!” I said with excitement.
“Yep, my Uncle Omar owned this house and he’d brew his hooch down here. Al Capone’s guys would pull up in the attached garage and take it to Chicago.”
I was fascinated by this confirmation and began researching Prohibition-era distilleries. (I also wondered if Omar's spirit brought me the right plumber? Of course he did! We both love "spirit.")
Unfortunately, the problems with my basement laundry room just got worse. It quickly became a down-to-the-studs renovation. We even had to take out the concrete floor and install a new drain system.
One day during the demolition, the workers called me downstairs. Three feet below the surface of the concrete floor was a secondary foundation slab. It wasn’t like anything any of us had ever seen. We concluded that during the ‘20s, the bootleggers must have dug out the basement and installed a false floor to hide the alcohol.
I decided I wanted to finish the basement room in the style of the 1920s. I went looking for reproduction light fixtures, hexagon floor tiles, old liquor bottles and natural weave baskets. Every time I’d touch something made of pure cotton, wood or metal, a feeling of it “being right” came over me. Plastic anything, not so much.
I began to question my attachment to this idea of recreating the past. I mean, what was it that made a jute rug feel “right” to me? There are sturdy, synthetic rugs now that are more practical for a utility room. And why would I want to bring back the era of Prohibition, one of America’s worst policy failures ever?
Suddenly a light went on in my head. I realized that idealizing the past can be a major issue. And I mean, MAJOR.
After the death of a loved one, nearly every one of my clients has to deal with idealizing the past.
They aren’t the only ones. As a society, we often long for past eras when we believe life was better, fuller, easier, more fun. When I began to look into the psychology behind this problem, I found dozens of articles by researchers and doctors that were incredibly insightful.
One of the spiritual great “aha” moments people have is when they meet someone new and report “It feels like I have known him forever.” This is not, in fact, a great sign that you have met your dreamy soul-mate. All too often, the person evokes in you an old behavior pattern that you unconsciously recognize from your childhood. My own path to healing has been one that forces me to confront childhood abandonment wounds, so that I am more open to creating new relationships as an adult.
I see many clients who struggle through repetitive, abusive relationships, but with different partners or family members. It is as if they seek out the familiar, even when it is damaging to them.
I once read a statement about this behavior pattern that said that in order to move forward “we have to heal our attraction to abuse.” This was an eye-opener for me! Just because we have become accustomed to a behavior does not mean it is healthy. We are instinctively attracted to the familiar.
In his paper, “NOSTALGIA: A NEUROPSYCHIATRIC UNDERSTANDING” (http://www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/7326/volumes/v19/NA-19) Alan R. Hirsch writes:
“The nostalgic urge to recreate the past within the present is, in many ways, a driving force for behavior -- how frequently we marry spouses with characteristics reminiscent of those of our parents.
I was shocked! Nostalgia as a driving force for behavior?
As I sat with that idea, I realized it was true. I remembered how excited I got when I heard that “Throwback Pepsi” was hitting the supermarket. The soda of my carefree childhood days, made with pure sugar. What could be better? (A lot of things could be better than dumping a can of pure sugar down your throat!)
It can be a burden for us to try and embrace the current moment. New, unfamiliar things are present, like an unimagined life without someone we love by our side. It makes perfect sense that we’d prefer to linger emotionally in an idealized past than deal with the sometimes crushing reality we wake up to.
It is essential for us to recognize our tendency to act upon nostalgic feelings. There are wonderful aspects of nostalgia that have been shown to help those who grieve. I love this quote:
"Nostalgia serves a crucial existential function. It brings to mind cherished experiences that assure us we are valued people who have meaningful lives.”
-- Clay Routledge, Associate Professor, North Dakota State University.
You can also watch Clay Routledge speak on nostalgia here:
http://ed.ted.com/lessons/why-do-we-feel-nostalgia-clay-routledge
But for our own well being and healing, we have to strive to find the balance between then and now. To allow the warm feelings of previously experienced love and connection to give us a strong purpose as we move forward into unknown territories. But that is all we should let them do. We need to temper our longings for the past with a dose of wisdom: the recognition that we have a tendency to look backwards through rose colored glasses.
Yes, we had some wonderful times.
And we possess the strength to create new wonderful times.
This second statement is what will help us successfully move on with our lives.
I’ll let you know how the basement speak-easy turns out!
We invite you to learn more about booking a personal session with Mollie that has the potential to ease your grieving significantly.
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