How To (Thoughtfully) Announce a Loved Ones Death on Social Media
/Do you have a version this story?
I’ll never forget the morning I was waiting for a doctor’s appointment and I made the mistake of pulling out my iPhone to pass the time. Mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeed, the first thing that appeared was a photo of an old but dear friend that only stated “RIP.”
WHAT?! Oh my God! I felt like I had been punched in the gut, and the tears were instantaneous. A nurse at the lobby door was calling out my name repeatedly. I couldn’t respond.
Let’s face it, most us are not sitting down, emotionally ready to hear heart-breaking news when we are scrolling through social media posts. It’s a problem not only because we are shocked. We may also be wondering what happened and/or why we weren’t notified in a manner that respects our loving/long standing relationship with the deceased.
The morning my father died, I tried to call my children to inform them personally, but social media beat me to it.
I’ve met with countless clients traumatized by similar stories of friends or distant relatives sharing “RIP” posts about their spouse, child or parents before they were able to.
This article by Taya Dunn Johnson really highlights the undue stress and confusion caused by a social media post of her husband’s passing within an hour of his death. Article: Please read this before you post another RIP on social media. The Hierarchy of Grief she discusses in the article are the words I’ve been looking for!
Let’s say you have learned of a loved one’s passing. You are upset. You need comfort. You are overwhelmed about what to do next.
The first thing you need to do is stop. As in, STOP.
Do not reach for the keyboard.
Your very first consideration before sharing a death announcement needs to be, “Is this my news to share?”
The questions below will help you know if this is your news to share:
-Did your spouse die? Yes, you can begin the task of creating an online announcement.
-Did your parent die? Yes. You may now coordinate with any siblings to create a death announcement.
-Did your child die? Yes. You should now coordinate with the child’s other parent/spouse a fitting way to share this heart-breaking news.
-Did your cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, any type of in-law or coworker pass? No. This is not your news to share. You must wait for the closest people to the deceased to be informed personally and then wait again until they post the announcement on social media. Sharing an online obituary is a respectful way to relay sad news, but be sure to mention who the person is to you. (Your mother, aunt, friend, etc…)
It’s important to wait an appropriate amount of time for the closest loved ones to be notified personally, in most cases, a few days.
Let’s move on to creating a fitting announcement. Feel free to use any of my words or quotes to create your own post if needed.
First, you will want to soften the blow a bit. Shock value on social media is tasteless and disrespectful. You are about to disseminate news that will possibly hurt people, some of whom may be waiting for doctor’s appointments, getting ready for an important interview, or sitting at their child’s soccer game. Give them a moment to prepare for the news by opening with a line like one of these:
“It is with a very heavy heart that I must share our family has lost a dear relative.”
“With great sadness, my brother John and I are announcing that our beloved father passed away last week.”
Second, inform your social media followers who the deceased is to you. Social media has become a place where we make friends with folks we’ve never met in-person and stay in touch with people we haven’t seen in years. You cannot simply state, “Mike passed away last night.” to a mixed crowd. Who’s Mike? Your dog? Your boyfriend? Next door neighbor? Be clear.
“Michael was my first husband, and importantly, the father of my children.”
“Michael was my long-time friend from grade school.”
“Michael was my cousin, with whom I shared a brotherly relationship.”
Thirdly, give information about the passing if it is appropriate. Again, the news will be a terrible shock to many people, and the first thing they will want to know is what happened?
“He has been a true warrior in the fight against cancer and has inspired us all with his unwavering faith.”
“He passed surrounded by his loving family after suffering a stroke last month.”
“He passed unexpectedly as a result of injuries sustained during a ____ accident.
“His battle with addiction has ended and he is free from an insurmountable and often misunderstood illness.”
Please also see my blog article on, “Is Sharing the Truth About a Loved One’s Death Important?”
Fourth, include a cherished memory or personality trait of the person to help encourage others to post their memories, too. Sharing sorrows and stories as a group provides much comfort and healing at times of great loss.
“Michael was famous for his apple pies. He somehow managed to take a basic dessert and make it the most unforgettable part of the meal. I will forever miss his pies at Thanksgiving!”
Lastly, provide relevant details about funeral arrangements, memorial funds or where condolences can be sent.
“In lieu of flowers, we are asking that donations be made to your local animal shelter in Michael’s name. We know he would love nothing more than to help a homeless animal as his last act of kindness.”
“If you would like to send your condolences to Michael’s family, please private message me for the address.” (Please use careful judgement when posting information online that could be used in identity theft cases.)
I personally think sharing a photo is a wonderful way to honor a loved one, but make sure you are being considerate. Share a photo that shows the person at their best or ask for permission from the closest family member.
Posting death notices on social media is a relatively new way to quickly spread information. We are still learning. For all of its convenience, it still needs to be handled with great care and thoughtfulness to honor the wishes of the deceased and in consideration of those who are closest to them.
We invite you to learn more about booking a personal session with Mollie that has the potential to ease your grieving significantly.
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