Dealing with personal regret after the passing of a loved one can sometimes cause crippling emotional pain. We all deal with self doubt, but a deep loss can take our minds into an abyss of despair as we question every action we took (or didn’t take) on behalf of the deceased. This is a common theme in the emails and private sessions I conduct with clients. But here is what I want you to know: Your deceased loved ones want to help you move past your pain.
Regret is a tricky beast. It’ll make you feel like you missed your one and only chance to clear up misunderstandings and disagreements with your loved one. Since you didn’t act when the person was alive, you won’t ever be able to right the wrong now. Neither will you be able to forgive yourself. Even after you think you’ve kicked that son-of-a-gun regret to the door, it can resurface at inconvenient times.
Here’s a little sampling of emails I’ve received about regret.
“How do I know he's happy with me, that I didn't let him down?”
“ . . . It doesn't help with the questions, doubts and regrets that I still have.”
“ . . . It’s the first thing I think of when I wake . . . and before I fall asleep. I’m asking for any help to release the pain & regret I have before my mother eventually succumbed to her injuries.”
“ . . . I still don't know if I did all the right things with her . . . I'm just so messed up.”
While your regret may feel intensely personal, I am here to assure that you are not alone. Feelings of regret, to some degree, nearly always accompany grief.
Many regrets fall into what I consider a run-of-the-mill category:
- Is my loved one angry that I was not by his side in his dying moment?
- Did I make the right choice for her funeral services and remains?
- Is he upset that I sold the house, property, car, or personal belongings?
- Did I make the right choices regarding her health care?
There are two big points to make here: One, these feelings are completely normal. Two—and this is what I most want you to understand—forgiving yourself is essential to your healing.
When you are devastated by the loss of a child, spouse, or other loved one, it is so difficult to see through the pain to the simple, eternal truth. But it is the truth, and in time it will set you free from the pain of regret.
This eternal truth is a very simple principal that manifests itself in every afterlife connection I make. It boils down to this: Everything that is important to your loved ones goes with them into the afterlife.
That means they take with them all of the love, relationships, memories, feelings and emotional connections they made here on Earth.
It also means they discard upon their passing the things they have no use for any longer, including their human remains, property, cars, collections, clothing and a million other possessions and attachments. Whatever choices you make regarding “stuff” should really be done for the comfort of those who are left behind. I feel very confident in saying your loved ones don’t care about these things, beyond the way they affect your well-being. It is natural for us to feel sentimental about the things they used and loved. But the attachment to them stops here on Earth.
What we gain upon entry to the Spirit world is enlightenment and freedom. We are freed from the “stuff” and—this is critical to understand—we are also freed from the emotional pains we carried here. We see how everything weaves together as lessons in our Soul’s journey, and we are able to observe our lives without harsh judgment. Even the relationships that ended badly or caused us pain are released in our enlightened state.
This is what all of the Souls wish to communicate with their loved ones through me—it’s universal and unfailing. We are free as we return to the world of Spirit. It’s an amazing feeling!
The most helpful tips I share with clients to help them move through regret are these:
Write a Letter – It is not to late for you to communicate your feelings. Write your loved one a letter to let him know your feelings. Set the letter aside for a day, and in your mind and heart ask that person to receive your words. Once that is finished, I like to create a small ceremony and burn the letter. It is done. The issues are resolved.
Practice Self Forgiveness – If you are reading this blog, there is a good chance you are not a horrific human being. You obviously care about your own healing and about the people you love who have passed on. When your loved one was alive, and you had the opportunity to speak with her, or care for her through acts of kindness and compassion, you did what you could.
In short, you were operating from the highest level of knowledge and spiritual practice you had at that time. As a mother, I can look back at choices I made 20 years ago when I had young children and wish I had done some things differently. But I was doing my imperfect best. Heck—treat yourself to a look back to the 1950’s, when the entire cast of “I Love Lucy” was smoking on screen! It was a fashionable thing to do. We all evolve over time. Forgive yourself. No one can do anything better than she can do in any moment.
Learn From the Past — Your regret can also serve as a catalyst for change. If something is making you feel bad, maybe it’s a lesson for you to make sure that situation doesn’t repeat itself. We live and learn. No punishment is needed, just the lesson.
It’s worth adding that if you have suffered through extreme abuse, infidelity or addiction issues, you may benefit most by seeing a mental health professional.
If your regret is holding you hostage, please know that Souls who have transitioned into Spirit do not hold grudges—even if they did while here on Earth. They are within the light, and they now have the perspective of eternal lessons. Their greatest wish is for you to release the heavy weight of regret and move forward as a more evolved and compassionate person.
©Mollie Morning Star 2016. Short excerpts of this article may be shared on the internet, provided a live link back to this original source is used. Reproduction in print is prohibited.